Adventures in Colonoscopy Preps

I honestly can’t tell you how many colonoscopies I’ve had. I was 9 years old the first time, and even though I’ve had countless colonoscopies over the last 21 years, it doesn’t get easier. It’s one of those things that you need to suck up and do.

The worst thing about a colonoscopy is the prep. I’ve done them all, and they all pretty much suck. You can’t eat the day before and you will truly get to experience what “hangry” feels like. You could lose friends over this, I know I’ve lashed out on several hangry occasions. Prepare your loved ones for some irrational behavior. Can we add hangry to the dictionary, please?

• MoviPrep/Golytely – This is the gallon jug of pure evil. This is the worst thing ever. This is what they gave to prisoners in Guantanamo Bay to get them to talk. No joke. It’s barely tolerable and it’s difficult to drink, but it’s one of the stronger preps. For those with fully functioning digestive systems, it’s the preferred prep, because it gets the job done. I’ve heard of some people mixing crystal light in the prep to help with the taste, some say to chill it to make it better. I say chug like a frat boy and get it over with. After a few glasses, you will start to feel cramping and spend the rest of the evening running to the bathroom. 
• Osmoprep (The Pills) – I once asked to prep with the pills. I thought it would be a cake walk. When you have a chronic illness you could care less about a couple of pills. Well, the Osmoprep is not just a couple of pills. It’s THIRTY-TWO GIANT PILLS!! You take 4 pills every 15 minutes for the first hour, then you take the remaining a few hours later. Those pills taste disgusting and after awhile your gag reflex kicks in and you can barely swallow water. I hated it and would never do it again.
  
• Magnesium Citrate – You can purchase this one over the counter at any drug store, they come in glass bottles and are about 10 ounces. Most doctors will ask you to drink two bottles. The taste is awful, but the good news is that it’s only about two glasses. It’s also a pretty strong laxative and still gets the job done. The grape flavor has been my preferred choice. I typically stare at the glass for an hour talking myself into it. 
• Miralax – This is the easiest prep, but not always the most effective. For my half-colon and constant hyper-speed peristalsis, it works fine. For you normal people it may not be the best. Miralax is another OTC product and it’s a tasteless powder that you mix in any beverage. I usually drink it with ginger ale. You have to drink several glasses until the mixture is gone. It will get things moving and is pretty tolerable. I’ve even done this prep before surgery. 

Stay near the bathroom, have plenty of toilet paper and wet wipes handy.You need to drink plenty of water, if not water Gatorade. You will be going to the bathroom and could easily become dehydrated. I always take a shower towards the end of the night to try and make myself feel better. Heating pads also help.

Next up: Scoping Time!